Entry Penned Beginning
Friday November 15th 2024 C.E
09:17 GMT+7
I had a lot of plans for how I was going to structure this blog, and of course like all plans they do not survive first contact. The saying is first contact with the enemy but I think in truth it is first contact with reality.
My original plan was not to start writing until everyone was out of the US and my first post would be something of an explanation about what this blog is, why it exists and so on, linked from my other social media type places from a “so long and thanks for all the fish” style of message.
With the timing of the last group of our family slipping I have instead decided to write my posts as I want to, lock them to private and when it is safe to do so make them publicly visible; and so I refer to this as my first post as it is the first one I am actually typing, even if it does not appear first in the blog.
It is Saturday November 15th 2024 C.E and I have been in Bangkok, Thailand, for 19 days. The first seven were spent in a hotel, getting our feet underneath us, working out the lay of the land and finding a rental property, on day 7 we checked out of the hotel, signed the papers for and moved into our temporary Thai home in a village about 45 minutes out of Bangkok proper.
Village is a misnomer of course, to the western mind I am sure it sounds like a small town, limited facilities and so on but in Thailand it is more like an American apartment complex or gated community. They are incredibly common, and basically the norm for the most part here.
The home we have here is pleasant and certainly large enough to accommodate our needs; 4 bedrooms, dining room, lounge, 2 kitchens, laundry space and only a minute’s walk to the village’s greenspace, spirit-house and altar, park, playground, gym and pool.
Over the last 12 days we have been learning how to get around without having a car of our own, how to order food, shop, pay bills, get our medications and in general navigate living in a place where we neither speak nor read the language and where the culture is entirely different.
So far it has been a success and by the time this post is published we will have the cats here with us as well.
Perhaps the hardest thing at the moment is being spread apart from those I love; I am not alone here and have Ashley, my brave and brilliant husband, with me. We complement each other well and together our task of getting this place set up and ready for others have been manageable while still keeping each other from neglecting our own needs.
That said the rest of my family is spread across two other continents; Rose, my wife of 19 years, my song, my shield and my sheath, is in Australia along with two of my children. My eldest, Vincent, born not of my blood or flesh but my child all the same whose constant and steady presence and untiring support has made even the most daunting of tasks seem worthwhile. My youngest, Robert; named both for his father and his grandfather carrying on the tradition of his family line and the only child born of my blood. He does not understand where all his people have gone and struggles on those days when all he wants is to hug his dad and does not always remember that every day his dad is missing hugging him.
Nix, my queer-platonic life-partner and co-parent, the spear to my right who has stood next to me through every storm that has come our way these last 8 years never faltering and prepared to carry our family forward, remains in the US tying up all that remains to be done there. Their spouse, my dearest friend and double metamour, StarChild remains as well putting their skills to best use to keep our family safe as the last things are rearranged. Finally Bee, whom I have had the privilege to watch grow into herself and has chosen to set her course with ours remains in the US carrying the responsibility to care for the most vulnerable of our family, our cats, and preparing them for the long journey onwards.
So all this is to say that I have felt in something of a limbo space, wanting to move forward yet feeling somewhat challenged in doing so as “not all the things are done yet”.
Starting my writing now, and making them hidden, is one of the ways I am seeking to change that. I have done all I can in our current step and I am, at last, able to believe that no-one (that matters) wishes me to deny myself simply because my situation is different.
That no doubt seems odd, but over the years, as more and more had needed to be done, I have prioritised myself less and less; some part of that is trauma most certainly, and cPTSD has played a large part in my own support structures breaking down and the continuing struggle has made building new ones difficult. Now my situation is different and so I can return to, and re-adapt, those things that help me.
Self care is an important thing and yet all too often I have fallen into the pattern of doing the bare minimum, or truth be told not even that but rather what I have convinced myself is the most I can “justify” to myself in wasting resources on me.
It is a false economy though; while I can and have pushed through it is inefficient because what I bring to those I love, what I bring to my family and in some respects what I offer my community and my gods through my service is not easily replaceable and they all deserve my “A game”.
When I short change myself I short change them, sometimes we must make do but it should not become the norm, it should be the exception not the rule.
Most of my life I have not liked what I see in the mirror, the features are not quite right, my body does not respond the way it should, the hair on my head is not right and the hair everywhere else leaves me wondering whose body it is.
It is something I have simply had to accept as thing I cannot change; and yet that is not true.
The resources and technology exists to allow me to make even small changes, my ink, a good razor and any manner of artifice allow me to, if not make it “right” make it “less wrong”. This too is self care.
Do I “need” three different toothpastes? No…and yes; with 3 toothpastes I am able to make my AUDHD / Neurospicy / Fae brain remember to brush three times a day as each toothpaste serves a purpose. Could I have, perhaps, achieved the same results without it? Technically yes I imagine so but practically not so much, it is way for me to take care of myself and the cost, a few dollars a month for extra toothpaste.
Do I need 3 different razors to address my facial and body hair, again probably not but the cost is negligible in terms of how it makes me feel; and when I feel more like myself I can be more of myself.
The same holds true of my clothing, I am no longer in the corporate world, nor do I serve as a particular sort of example in my wider community; by wearing what I wish to, what feels right for me even if it is not what is common for this world I am more myself; this too is self care.
Taking the time to create a routine, and making that the rule rather than the exception lets me keep on task with these things and keep forefront that it is not selfish to care for myself but rather an act of love for those who love me, trust me and count on me.
Giving myself my own time has meant that I can exercise again, not because I have to or the doctor is giving me a hard time or a target to reach but because I can listen to my body and give it the time it asks for, it means that I can care for my hair even as it thins and goes grey and perhaps give it back some life, it means I can do things to nourish me beyond simple survival.
This is part of my long pilgrimage home; this journey is more than physically changing locations, to find my way home I need to be the right “shape”, I need to be the right me when I arrive. To do so I must unlearn those things that are simply wrong, discard those things which I no longer need or whose time has passed.
Like any true pilgrimage it not simply traveling to a destination, it is the journey of mind, body, heart and soul; what the journey teaches me, what it makes me feel, what I learn and unlearn, who I meet and whose company I part from along the way.
While there has been much planning and so very much work that has gone into getting to here I truly believe that this, this is the first step on my long pilgrimage home.
-Robert James-Noonan O’Wayreth
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