Entry Penned Beginning
Sunday November 17th 2024 C.E
09:48 GMT+7
So it occurs to me why so man of these journal entries, at least initially, are turning out so introspective.
Apart from the obvious, being that I have been essentially removed from the world at large over the last few years and pouring everything I have (and some I do not) into the Work I have been doing to begin this pilgrimage and keep my clan safe, is that I am sitting down to write my journal entries directly after my morning routine and self-care.
One of the last things I do as part of my self care is have a shave which, for me, is a deeply reflective and mindful experience. I use a straight edge or “cut throat” razor for a few reasons; initially it was because my facial hair simply eats other sorts of shaving methods and even then they don’t actually help much. When I worked in the corporate world and was using regular razors I had to keep shaving cream and a razor in my desk for use before any meeting scheduled after about 2pm or else it looked like I simply hadn’t bothered to shave in a few days.
As it turns out the straight edge razor was also my grandfather’s preferred method of shaving; although I have only limited recollection of it it has led me shaving time to also become an act of ancestor veneration and a way to commune with them in a simply daily way.
Perhaps the greatest reason that shaving is a time of mindfulness and self reflection for me is the most obvious of course; there is a reason it is called a cut throat razor and nothing quite sharpens your focus like using a sharp edge against your face, especially when you have shaky hands like mine!
So the introspection today came out of my disrupted sleep, I woke up early from a well not a nightmare but an upsetting dream. Dreaming is unusual for me, for many many years I have simply been unable to dream with my brainwaves just not entering the correct state as I tend to move from Delta (deep sleep) to Alpha (awake and “resting”) waves without sustaining Theta (dreaming) waves for any real length of time.
It is one of the ways that I have been able to more accurately recognise when something is “not a dream but a message form the Divine or the ancestors” as my actual dreams are rare and have a very different feel to them. Last night was just a dream, not a portent or anything more than my subconscious mind finally feeling safe to begin unpacking some of my anxieties and losses.
My dream was about my cats that I miss dearly and my fear that something will happen and I won’t seem them again or that they will struggle to forgive me for, from their perspective, abandoning them. Rationally I know that what I am doing is quite the opposite of that and that, in their own way, they also know that but fear is rarely rational.
The other part of the dream was about folks who have drifted out of my life, folks that I was close to, that I considered friends, some that were even family at one point.
It led me to think about where and how some of those partings came about, how some of those folks most certainly see me now and I know some will find their way to this blog and have thoughts but if you are such a person please don’t bother trying to share those thoughts I have long ago lost interest in them.
Rather there are two particular quotes that came out of my reflections; the first is from the modern day philosopher the late Tupac Shakur
Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger then that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.
Although in my case I don’t want to see you eat, but I still want you to eat, just some place away from me and mine; I don’t need to see it.
The other is one that I like to quote from “Don” Vito Corleone of the Godfather movie about what it means to me for someone to be my family, to be my clan, to be “of Wayreth”.
…if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they‘d become my enemies. And then they will fear you.
In thinking back over folks whose way has parted from mine less than amicably I believe that they never truly understood what I meant by that.
Much as I talked about earlier in this journal, and have talked about in some of the public classes I have taught about service to My Lady, there are many ways to be a Warrior and they do not all look like physical combat.
To my mind your enemies are not just those people that wish you ill, it is the system that doesn’t care about you, it is the obstructionist bureaucracy that exists to prevent you getting your needs met, it is your own trauma that stops you seeing the amazing person you are and can be, it is your chronic illness that seeks to dictate your choices in life; to me these enemies are far greater than whatever interpersonal drama you have with someone and should you be my family then your enemies, your true enemies, are mine too.
At any rate that is enough introspection for one morning I think, today is looking like a day of domestic things, the bedding needs to be washed, there are some things I need to order since I will be here a little longer yet.
I have all but given up on figuring out the issue with Shopee here, even accounting for the language barrier I get the sense that there is no-one interested in helping me resolve it so I am going to try to setup an account with their competitor Lazada; they aren’t as fast on delivery but hopefully I can use their service without too much hassle.
Among some shaving supplies and some basic household things I also want to try to find some sort of patio furniture; the rain came in so hard on Friday and it was just glorious to watch and hear. Being able to sit out under out covered patio and enjoy the feeling of it is high on the list of things to be able to do, possibly even higher than going to sushi train (which if you don’t know how I feel about sushi that it pretty damn high)
I would like to get out to the old city (Ayutthaya) sometime this coming week, although with the festival of lights still happening for the week I may need to wait until afterwards given how busy it will be; large crowds are still a touch overwhelming for me and my digestive system is still adapting to both the weather and the cooking so I do like to know that there isn’t a large wait on bathrooms wherever I am for now. Also I would like to take a lot of pictures of it, both to share and for my own sake, and dislike strangers taking photos that include me so try not to do that to others, especially during a religious ritual / celebration.
Since I can’t find a royalty free picture of Ayutthaya instead here is one of the house here with the patio I want to sit under during the rain, taken from outside on the street so I can capture the Foo Dogs guarding our gates and the statute to Phra Khanet, or as folks might be more familiar with him Lord Ganesha.
And a panorama shot
I have also finally figured out how to access the Thai banking system; as a foreigner it is incredibly difficult which has proved to be rather frustrating as so many of the options I am used to using, such as PayPal, just aren’t in use and foreign issued credit cards aren’t accepted through most online portals here. Unfortunately the only place I can get it setup is at the airport, so I will have to make a trip back to the airport later this week, at least it is a 24 hour thing so I can go at what will, hopefully, not be a peak time.
-Robert James-Noonan O’Wayreth
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